Motherhood journal #10

I wonder what it would be like to live in a body whose sensory-nerve system is less reactive as mine. It might be helpful to keep things more intact and respond more in a calm way to various stimuli. But it is not possible, at least not yet so…..

It is rainy sunday afternoon in Geneve.
Before leaving the house I told my children “Umma is gonna go and have some me-time okay?”
“OKAY” they say without any trace of surprise, resistance, or even curiosity.
It was me who was slightly taken back.
I smiled as I got into the elevator.

The children who are now four and six years old know how important it is for mom to have her alone time whether it is her sitting in her corner desk or stepping out of the house on Sunday afternoon.

They also know that I can not do two things at once.
When I am cooking, I often do not hear them calling me for help.
I heard many times before from the people who are close to me that I should not ignore my children when they call me. We thought one of the main reasons why Hope gets frustrated often is because of my delayed response.

Along the same line I was often criticized for habitually forgetting to put medication on the children’s scar, not packing water when we are out, not asking them to go to the bathroom before leaving the house.

It is inevitable that some things gotta fall through the gaps between the fingers because it is those spaces that are holding me together.

Yesterday night while I was reading a book out loud to the children before bedtime, Hope was making a weird gurgling sound in a low tone. At first I thought she was saying yes to each sentence I uttered. Then it sounded more like a laugh to herself. Obviously she just discovered how her body can produce this effect and was playing. I did not comment on it. But when I woke up today it was the first thing I thought of and started laughing out loud. I heard heard her doing it again today.

Later this month I am turning 39 and I have one thing to look forward to. My friend who is six years older than me told me that as you get older your body does not waste energy by going off the path. I still don’t really have a path that I am following faithfully but perhaps soon my body will just choose one because there just isn’t enough to go around. I have been looking for a job as a art teacher since the beginning of this year  and now I am going to concentrate on writing my thesis and make cards (I will explain in another post) and I am trying to be a calmer person, especially around my children… Happy Sunday!



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